


Just Me

by Maiasaura



Series: Changes Everything Universe [10]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Neville, Female Character of Color, Friendship, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender support, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, Other, Self-Hatred, Support, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 04:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8782972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maiasaura/pseuds/Maiasaura
Summary: Neville's journey to self-acceptance as an agender person, and Maggie's role in that journey. Moments in Changes Everything from Neville's point of view. Cha do lughdaich siud mo ghaol ortBidh tu m’ aisling anns an oidhcheIs anns a’ mhadainn bidh mi ‘gad fhaighneachdThug mi gaol dhut ‘s chan fhaod mi àicheadhCha ghaol bliadhna ‘s cha ghaol ràitheAch gaol a thòisich nuair bha mi ‘m phàiste You are in my dreams at nightAnd in the morning I ask for youI gave you love and cannot denyIt’s not love that lasts a year or a seasonBut a love that began when I was a childAnd that will not wither until death do take me ~ Fear a’ Bhàta, The Boatman





	

NEVILLE POV

 

Mid November, 1994, Hogwarts

 

“I have an announcement,” Maggie said excitedly, bouncing up and down in the spot where she stood. I watched her curiously; she couldn’t help but look adorable as she jumped up and down in the low light of the fire, her body jiggling every which way and making me feel somewhat hot under the collar of my uniform shirt.

 

“What?” I laughed, trying to ignore how hot I felt all over. I hoped no one was looking at me.

 

“I’m bisexual,” she said, excitedly. I smiled slightly. She looked so, amazingly, wonderfully happy. I always wanted to see her like that.

 

“Really?” Harry asked next to me. I didn’t know how anyone’s emotion could be anything other than joy for her in that moment, but all Harry seemed to be was confused.

 

“I had no idea,” I played along, and it was true, but I was still happy for her, more than confused.

 

“I literally never got the impression,” Hermione agreed.

 

“Well because I didn’t think it was a thing!” Maggie explained, “So I was like, oh I’m attracted to girls too? Better not tell anyone, that’s really weird.”

 

“Well that does make sense,” Ginny nodded.

 

“But today I was talking to Fred and George and, well, they explained to me that it was a valid thing,” Maggie continued to jump, “They also told me about nonbinary genders, which was awesome.”

 

Nonbinary what?

 

“Nonbinary genders?” Harry asked, echoing my thoughts.

 

“Means you don’t identify with male or female,” Maggie said hurriedly, “Gender is a societal construct, Harry.”

 

Gender is a… what?

 

“Well that’s true,” Hermione continued, oblivious to how confused I was, “I guess it stands to reason you could identify with neither.”

 

I knew that people called boys as children could actually be girls and then changed to be that way. Happened to my cousin. Probably happened the other way too. But, neither?

 

No, that wasn’t… possible, was it?

 

The Ministry would know about that and help with it too!

 

“Like, you can have no gender, and be agender. Or identify as one gender one day and another the next, and be genderfluid. OR identify as two all the time, and be bigender! I mean, I don’t think I’m any of those things, but it’s like, how did I not know about any of this!” Maggie giggled.

 

“This is sort of amazing,” I murmured, my breath somewhat giving out.

 

You could have no gender. None at all. Or many!

 

You could have whatever you wanted.

 

I swallowed and squeezed my eyes shut. I was a boy.

 

_Was I though?_

My whole life – it had never sat right –

 

Was I something else?

 

Was this the answer?

 

 

 

Early January, 1995, Hogwarts

 

 _Oh god oh god oh god oh god_ –

 

I had fucked up. I had truly fucked up. I had let Maggie run into the woods and now.

 

She hadn’t come back. She wasn’t going to come back.

 

She was dead, out here, in the woods, and I couldn’t –

 

God dammit God dammit God dammit God –

 

“ ** _HARRY POTTER!_** ”

 

I would have recognized that Scottish lilt anywhere. My heart leapt up in my throat and suddenly I was, for the first time, aware that I was in the forest – fully aware. I squeaked in surprise and felt my eyes widen with fear; even if it wasn’t Maggie calling out, I needed to get out of there.

 

“ ** _MAGGIE?_** ” I screamed, wringing my wrists and staring around the forest in terror. Oh god. What had I done. What I had I done for a girl who doesn’t even _love_ me –

 

“NEVILLE! NEVILLE! I’M OVER HERE!”

 

Well it was definitely Maggie, and she sounded infinitely joyful. I immediately took off in the direction of her voice, stumbling over branches and vines and the bottoms of trees.

 

“ **MAGGIE?** ” I called out, hoping that she’d respond again, so I could have some sense of where I was going. I was so lost. The trees were dark, the forest was dark, everything was darkness closing in and crushing me.

 

“NEVILLE, FOLLOW MY VOICE,” Maggie screamed.

 

“I AM, I AM,” I shouted back, listening carefully, terrified that some sort of monster would appear behind me and attack me. I leapt across a small ditch and grunted with the effort, my heart pounding in my ears.

 

“NEVILLE I’M OKAY,” Maggie cried out, “I’M OKAY, I’M COMING –“

 

I ran faster, tripping heavily over unseen branches, “MAGGIE, MAGGIE –“

 

I didn’t even have any other words, evidently.

 

I tripped over another branch and looked up – I could see her now, between the trees, just fine like she said. Still average heighted, still curvy, still strong, still dark in skin color, still with her long brown hair. Still fierce. Still Maggie.

 

“NEVILLE!” she shouted, running towards me so fast that I couldn’t even register it. One minute she was coming towards me, the next I was tackled to the ground. My mind was wiped blank as I felt all of her weight on top of me, and her arms were squeezing around me, and I didn’t even care that I was suddenly embedded in sharp, painful twigs and brambles.

 

_Please don’t ever get up please don’t ever get up please don’t ever get up plea –_

“Mr. Longbottom,” McGonagall shouted, “Do you _realize_ how reckless you’ve been?”

 

I was a bit surprised McGonagall was there, witnessing Maggie tackling me to the ground. I wanted to – just – keep her there, in my arms, and rest – made hearing McGonagall call me Mister less painful –

 

“Someone had to find Maggie!” I managed to squeak out as Maggie got off of me, her face clearly bright red despite the low light and darkness of her skin. I felt myself flush too, aware of how her being pressed against me like that had made me feel, and hoping to god that it wouldn’t show up in my pants.

 

“She came back to the castle on her _own_ , Mr. Longbottom,” cringe, “Quite alright by the looks of it! Where are the rest of your friends,” McGonagall demanded.

 

I stumbled to my feet, trying my best to not look too intently at Maggie, as flushed and embarrassed and completely unable to stop thinking about how soft she felt on top of me –

 

“They, uh,” I mumbled, “They all went back already. ‘Bout an hour ago, I suspect.”

 

“ _Why_ , may I ask, did you not go with them?” McGonagall demanded.

 

“I couldn’t…” I felt my voice catch in my throat, and I now purposefully looked away from Maggie rather than have her see my expression, “Erm… I couldn’t leave Maggie out here.”

 

“Well, we’ve been looking for you lot for three hours!” McGonagall snapped, “If you had just stayed in the castle, or better yet, have been honest with me about where Miss Johnson had gone in the first place, none of this would have happened.”

 

I looked down at my shoes in shame. How was I supposed to explain that I couldn’t stand the idea of Maggie being out here and was too terrified to think clearly without sounding like…

 

Like…

 

Like a lovestruck idiot?

 

God _dammit_

_Stupid stupid stupid Neville_

 

**She doesn’t love you you have to stop acting like this**

She only loves you as a friend, why are you like this

 

Why

 

Stupid

 

Stupid

 

Stupid Neville

 

“And yet, you acted exceedingly brave,” McGonagall sighed, “I know the forest has never been an easy location for you. For that, I award you fifteen points for Gryffindor.”

 

I looked up rapidly, my eyes opening as wide as saucers.

 

“And a week’s worth of detentions,” McGonagall continued. I closed my mouth and flushed again, but at least I wasn’t completely a fool.

 

“Let’s go back. I wish to go to sleep,” McGonagall instructed. Hagrid – who I was even more surprised to see – started leading us back, through a well trampled path. Had they really run like that through the forest to find me?

 

Had Maggie?

 

“Erm… thank you for looking for me,” Maggie mumbled softly, her voice only somewhat intelligible – and after four years of friendship, I could proudly say that I was fluent in Obnoxiously-Thick-Scottish-Accent-ese.

 

“Of course I did,” I said without thinking. Stupid Neville. One of these days she’s going to realize how you feel and either stop being your friend or just completely destroy your heart. By finally saying, out loud, in no uncertain terms, that she didn’t love you. Not like that.

 

I honestly thought that it would kill me to hear those words.

 

Stupid

 

Stupid

 

Stupid Neville

 

“I was so unbelievably worried about you,” I continued rambling anyway, because I was an idiot, “ _Please_ never do that again.”

 

“Yeah, I won’t,” Maggie murmured in a rush, looking at me earnestly even though I was trying really hard to not look at her. “Who… erm… who came looking for me?”

 

“Nearly everyone,” I said, relieved that it wasn’t just me, “Hermione, Harry, Ginny, the twins. Ron was supposed to keep a lookout for you in the Common Room, but I guess he didn’t see you.”

 

“Ah,” Maggie now looked more upset, “Everyone stopped looking? Even George?”

 

Oh no, don’t be upset. I’m crazy.

 

“Yeah, I mean, it was getting pretty late,” I hurriedly explained, “They all figured you’d gone back up. But… I just… I was really worried you hadn’t. I was pretty stupid.”

 

Maggie looked at me skeptically, frowning with her brow creased in a manner that could only have been described as adorable. “Well… still. Thank you.”

 

She was blushing furiously, looking at me like she didn’t actually agree I had been stupid. I felt my heart catch in my throat, which only increased how stupid I felt. She was just pitying me as per usual.

 

“Literally, no one else would do that for me,” Maggie murmured.

 

It didn’t really feel like pity.

 

That didn’t seem like a pitying statement.

 

“Er, yeah,” I whispered hoarsely, my heart catching in my throat.

 

I was too busy focusing on trying to not blush that much anymore for me to notice this happening, but suddenly her lips were on my cheek.

 

Her.

 

Her.

 

Oh.

 

She was.

 

She was kissing my cheek.

 

She was _kissing_ my cheek.

 

She was kissing _my_ cheek.

 

My heart froze up and my mind was blank and I – between the tackle hug and this – I could probably die now and that would be fine –

 

Just fine –

 

My heart started beating again when her lips left –

 

_No come back –_

I looked at her and I couldn’t stop myself from blushing. She was blushing too, at least.

 

Why had she?

 

What?

 

Wha –

 

“Don’t tell George about that, and we’re even,” she mumbled, more to the ground than to me. I nodded, though.

 

What was happening?

 

Wha?

 

I followed her, wordlessly, through the forest. She had kissed me on the cheek.

 

It probably meant nothing. She was just glad. She was just glad that I had stayed out to find her. Just glad that I was the only friend who had.

 

I tried to not focus. Put it out of my mind. Stupid.

 

Stupid.

 

Stupid Neville.

 

She was just.

 

Being.

 

Grateful.

 

We reached the castle and I watched as everyone came running up to us. Maggie was stiff, cold, angry – no, she was furious. I swallowed and watched her as she pushed everyone back from her, now glaring.

 

“Guys, look, I came back on my own, okay? Then I was worried you all had gone out looking for me, so McGonagall, Hagrid and I all went out looking for you. We looked for hours, and I’m really upset you all left Neville alone out there,” Maggie stated firmly. I was amazed she wasn’t screaming. She looked ready to tear off someone’s head from their shoulders.

 

Because they had left me in the woods?

 

No no, it was because they hadn’t looked for her. Obviously. Stupid, self centered Neville.

 

“We were going to come back for Neville, we just thought you might have come back to the Common Room,” Harry said hurriedly.

 

“I’m still upset. You know how he is in the forest,” Maggie snapped.

 

It was kind of hard to convince myself that she wasn’t angry for my sake, now.

 

“You shouldn’t have run out there!” Hermione yelled.

 

“Yeah, well, I’m me. I do what I do,” Maggie hissed, “ _You_ lot neglected someone. I’m going to bed.” She left in a huff, and I watched her go desperately.

 

“Mate, we told you to come back with us,” Harry began, but I looked at him in irritation.

 

“You knew full well that I wasn’t going to stop until I found her,” I grunted, “I don’t see why one of you wouldn’t stay, either.”

 

Harry looked sheepish. Hermione scoffed.

 

“You were acting –“

 

“I acted exactly how I would act and you bloody well know it, Hermione!” I shouted. George was looking ashamed of himself, as was everyone else. I was glad. I didn’t need George glaring at me again like he always did whenever the issue of my hopeless adoration of his girlfriend came up in conversation.

“Right, well then,” Hermione huffed, “If there’s no real way that any of this evening could have been prevented, then I guess there’s no point in arguing about it!”

 

She threw her hands up in the air and went up the stairs. Ginny grimaced and quickly followed her. Harry ran his hand through his hair and went up to the dormitories himself, as did everyone but George. I faced George, frowning at him angrily. I was the same height as him now – even a little taller – so I didn’t feel the need to be deferential to the bastard.

 

_He’s better than you. He’s a real man._

I swallowed heavily and shoved that back deeper inside of me.

 

“I don’t love her any less than you,” George muttered.

 

“Oh bloody –“ I snapped.

 

“I spent the night searching the grounds!” George shouted.

 

“This isn’t a contest!” I responded angrily, “She chose you, alright? Bloody hell,” I hissed, “I’m not trying to take her from you!”

 

“Could have fooled me,” George muttered.

 

“She’s a human being! If she leaves you that’s cause she doesn’t want to be with you anymore!” I snapped, “Not because of any bloody thing I did! I’m just caring about her, because I care about her, outside of my feelings for her!”

 

“Right,” George scoffed.

 

“Whatever,” I muttered, “She’s my best mate, you bloody well know that.”

 

“Yes,” George grunted angrily, “I do.”

 

“Anyway,” I hissed, “Look just. I dunno. Bloody apologize to her. She’s in a right state.”

 

“I will,” George muttered.

 

“I’m not going to stay away from her, if that’s what you’re trying to get me to say,” I snapped.

 

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” George laughed coldly, before going up to his dormitory. I watched him go in fury, before finally following.

 

I would always and forever hate him.

 

The next day, Maggie didn’t join us for much of anything – didn’t talk to Harry and Hermione in class, and didn’t show up at dinner.

 

I stared around the Great Hall. Not having her around was making me anxious. I knew she was probably okay, but that didn’t change the fact that I was worried. Worried she had run away again. Worried that she was being abused by the prat. Worried. Worried. Worried.

 

“Neville, were you listening to a word I said?”

 

I looked up at Hermione, frowning. She rolled her eyes and scoffed as Harry roared with laughter over my apparent unawareness.

 

“Ugh. Boys.”

 

 _Boys_.

 

I swallowed and got up, anxiously, “I have to go.” Hermione watched me in confusion as I walked hurriedly out of the great hall.

 

I was filled to burst.

 

I was not a boy. I wasn’t.

 

I had sort of known my whole life.

 

I had an idea as to what I might be when Maggie had revealed that nonbinary genders existed.

 

I had been grappling with it, wrestling with it, for months and months, pushed and pulled in between feelings of need to be true to myself and feelings of self loathing and feelings of fear. I was torn apart but I knew.

 

I wasn’t a boy. I wasn’t.

 

I was nothing.

 

Gender was not for me and I wasn’t going to stick to it anymore.

 

I ran up to the mirror in the boy’s bathroom. I swallowed and stared at my reflection for a long time. Long, brown curly hair, a lengthy face, clearly masculine features. I grimaced and tried to picture myself softer. Not too soft – I wasn’t a girl either – but softer, softer than I was now. Maybe with curves. I pictured myself – in makeup.

 

It felt.

 

Right.

 

I swallowed and pulled out my ink for school, and brushed it across my eyes. I looked ridiculous.

 

But I still liked it.

 

Much better than my normal face.

 

I giggled quietly to myself before covering my mouth with my hands. I had to get this off. I had to get it off right then. Before anyone saw.

 

I quickly washed my face and washed as thoroughly as I could. I cried, softly, falling to the floor and holding myself.

 

I had to tell someone.

 

 _Maggie_.

 

She has her own stuff to deal with – no, I’ll just tell Harry, he’s my best mate too –

 

_Harry is a straight boy. He doesn’t understand this shit._

I can’t bother Maggie about it, and after yesterday –

 

 _Maggie_.

 

I swallowed and held myself tighter. What if she didn’t accept me? She said she was bisexual, what if there was no chance of her ever falling for me?

 

Well. That wasn’t news, regardless.

 

I walked up to Hagrid’s the next night, figuring that she was probably there. Hagrid needed her most right now, and it was a good way to avoid the others. I stood awkwardly outside the door, wringing my wrists nervously.

 

_Not the time_

_She’s going through shit_

_Not the time_

_Not the time –_

But I needed to tell _someone_

 

And if not her

 

Then who?

 

I swallowed and paced nervously back and forth, waiting nervously. I watched, in terror, as the door opened and Maggie stepped outside.

 

“Hey,” Maggie muttered, looking at me nervously.

 

“Hey, Maggie,” I paused, unable to find the right words, “You know, they _did_ urge me to come back with them. I just insisted.”

 

Why the fuck was I talking about this? Mags wasn’t going to change her mind. She held a grudge too hard

 

“Well when you insisted, one of them should have stayed,” Maggie snapped.

 

Typical Mags.

 

“Yeah, I guess,” and I did agree. It was odd. The way she talked about it wasn’t as though she was holding a grudge… just that abandoning me was unforgivable. _Me._ “You want to stay outside? You should have some company.”

 

 _And I really, really, really need to talk to you_.

 

I swallowed hard.

 

Maggie nodded, and we walked together to the lake. We both laid down in the grass, and her head was very close to mine – too close. Our hands were almost touching, and we were facing the sky, not each other, at least. I wasn’t sure I could control my actions if our faces were as close as they would have been, had we been facing each other. My heart was pounding in my ears.

 

_Don’t tell her_

_Tell her_

_Don’t tell her_

_Tell her_

_You need to tell someone_

_She’s going to reject your identity_

_No she’s not she’s Mags_

_Tell her_

_Don’t tell her_

_Tell her_

_Oh god I’m a freak_

_She’s going to think I’m a freak_

_No she won’t she’s Maggie_

_She’s going to think –_

“You shouldn’t stay mad at them forever,” I muttered quietly as my mind swirled.

 

“I won’t,” Maggie whispered, “I just need a little time.”

 

_She cares about you._

_She’s this mad because she cares about you._

_She cares and she won’t think you’re a freak._

_Even though you are one._

_Freak Freak Freak Freak Freak –_

“Yeah, I get that,” I whispered.

 

_Freak_

_You have to tell her_

_Freak_

_You have to_

_Tell_

_Someone_

_You freak_

_Freaky freaky freak_

_She’ll never love you after this_

_Well she wasn’t going to love me anyway_

 

“I guess I just…” I swallowed, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”

 

Stupid stupid stupid Neville.

 

Why did I say that.

 

“I feel the same about you, you know. Hence my fury,” Maggie whispered.

 

My heart lodged in my throat.

 

Maybe not _that_ stupid of a Neville.

 

Maybe not –

 

What was I even thinking?

 

She loved George.

 

But she cared about you.

 

“I also… I’ve been going through… something. And I wanted to… erm… talk to you about it,” I mumbled.

 

“You can tell me anything, Nev,” Maggie said.

 

“Erm… remember when you came out, back in November?” I whispered. My heart was in my throat. It was pounding much much much too loudly. Too loud. Too much.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Well… you started rambling about… about…”

 

Oh god

 

I can’t do this

 

Heir of Gryffindor or not I couldn’t do this

 

“Literally, Neville, you can tell me anything,” Maggie murmured.

 

I could.

 

She cared.

 

She was my best mate.

 

“You started talking about… nonbinary genders.”

 

I could feel her move in the grass – she was facing me. “Yeah?”

 

I followed, to face her. We were so close. Her face was so close to mine. My heart was in my throat again.

 

“I think… I might be…”

 

A freak.

 

I was a freak.

 

A freak a weirdo an unlovable unlikeable –

 

“I might be… agender,” I whispered. Hopefully she wouldn’t hear.

 

“Yeah?” Maggie murmured, but she was smiling at me. Smiling. She wasn’t running away screaming.

 

“Yeah. I mean, I always knew I wasn’t a girl, but when you talked about that, I started doing research,” _just keep talking to keep her here and not disgusted by you_ , “And… I just… I mean I don’t mind the he, him, his pronouns, you know, but gender is more than pronouns and I… I just… I’m not a boy,” I gasped out, and it was like a heavy boulder had been lifted from my shoulders, like water had been removed from my lungs, “I’m not. I’m not a girl, I’m not a boy. What is gender? I don’t like it. I don’t want there to be some sort of… societal thing that defines things about me. Like boy, that says that I should always like girls – and sometimes I don’t, you know, I think I’m bisexual too – and I should be commanding and masculine and I just, I know I don’t _have_ to be, to be a boy, but I don’t want any part of it at all. Except facial hair. I might grow that,” _keep going keep going keep talking_ “But seriously, no part of it. I am me. I like plants, and I like to be with my friends, and I enjoy dancing, and I will protect the people I love at any cost, and I’m a little shy, but I am brave, and I love figuring things out about my plants and – I’m a _person. What does being a boy even_ mean _?”_

I stared at Maggie in fear. I had talked too much. But she was smiling.

 

It was the widest smile I’d ever seen on her face.

 

She was radiant in the low moonlight.

 

“Neville, I am so, so, _so_ proud of you,” Maggie murmured, “I’m so proud of you for being so accepting of yourself, and going on this journey to understand yourself better.”

 

“Really?” I breathed. I couldn’t help it – I was bowled over.

 

She didn’t think I was a freak.

 

“Really,” Maggie reassured, “So, are you going to do anything major with this? You don’t have to know, I’m just curious.”

 

“I mean, I don’t really want to cause any confrontation. I like my name fine, and the pronouns fine. And I wouldn’t change my body or anything,” _not much I could really do anyway_ , “I just don’t want to be referred to as a boy. Ever. But I don’t know how to tell people that. And maybe I’d like to do some… not boy things. Like wearing a skirt, or growing my hair out even longer, or something. Makeup would be cool to try, I guess, as long as I can make sure Malfoy doesn’t see.”

 

Maggie was deep in thought as she responded, “Well, I’ll start the trend, and see if people pick up on it. If they don’t, it’ll probably be worth telling our friends. Unless you don’t want to; it’s entirely your choice. As for dressing or doing feminine things, go right ahead, I want you to follow your dreams.”

 

She was smiling and radiant again. I couldn’t help but smile back at her.

 

Wonderful.

 

What a wonderful person Maggie was.

 

“Maggie, you are literally one of the most wonderful people I know,” I managed to murmur. Maggie squeezed my arm gently. I wanted her to kiss me on the cheek again, but I knew that wouldn’t happen.

 

“Neville, you are literally one of the most wonderful people I know,” Maggie said, beaming at me as she squeezed my arm again. I flushed heavily.

 

“I just… this is all so… so… wonderful. Freeing,” I whispered.

 

“I can imagine,” Maggie paused, “It’s getting cold, though. We should go back inside.”

 

I nodded, but I never wanted to leave her side ever again. Nope, never. She accepted me and still cared about me and still thought me _wonderful_ even though I was a freak.

 

“Do you…” I murmured as we started walking, “Do you think I’m a freak?”

 

“God no,” Maggie frowned angrily, “Who called you that?”

 

“No one, I just –“

 

“You are not a freak. You are wonderful and good. Nev, you’re not a boy, you’re not a girl, you don’t have a gender, and that is awesome. Pure, wonderful awesome. You’re not a freak at all, you’re not bad at all, I promise,” Maggie said sternly, her voice doing that thing where it started to get even more thickly accented when she got mad, and kind of high pitched, which was always very adorable to me for some reason.

 

So adorable.

 

How was she like this.

 

“You know what? Bisexual doesn’t work, you know,” Maggie continued, frowning, “I mean, come on. There aren’t only two genders.”

 

“No,” I agreed seriously, my heart lodged in my throat.

 

“Gender is just, a non issue for me you know?” Maggie explained, “Nonbinary people wouldn’t be off the table either.”

 

“I… yeah,” _Why was she even saying this? What did this mean? Could she – could she fall –_

“Did you come across a better word in your travels? I figured you might have,” Maggie continued.

 

“Er… there’s pansexual,” I mumbled sheepishly, “Attracted to all genders, or, you can’t see why you wouldn’t be attracted to any particular gender, I suppose.”

 

“Then that’s what I am,” Maggie nodded firmly, “Nonbinary people are awesome.”

 

I flushed madly, “Me too then. And thanks.”

 

“Of course. Not having a gender must be liberating,” Maggie grinned, “You transcend the gender plane.”

 

I giggled behind my hand, my heart swooping madly, “I what?”

 

“You have no gender! You transcend the boundaries of gender and time!” Maggie beamed wider, “Which is, of course, awesome.”

 

“Oh come off it,” I blushed. This was too much.

 

I couldn’t fall in love with her _more_ than I already had… could I?

 

Apparently…

 

“Never,” Maggie grinned, “Your lack of gender is awesome and quite frankly gives me hope for all of humanity.”

 

“Maggie!” I protested, now so embarrassed I knew I was as red as a tomato. She was being much much _much_ too kind.

 

“I will not stop, thank you very much,” Maggie beamed. I flushed even more as we walked through the castle.

 

Why was she being so nice to me?

 

A freak?

 

Not even the one she loved?

 

“Thank you,” I mumbled quietly.

 

“Come off it, Nev,” Maggie looked at me more seriously now, “Why would I _ever_ judge or hate you for something like that?”

 

“I don’t –“ I swallowed heavily, “I dunno.”

 

“You know you’re one of my best mates,” Maggie murmured, “If not my _best_ mate. I… care about you unconditionally.”

 

My heart was lodged in my throat again, and I was probably unable to speak.

 

“And even if that wasn’t true, there’s nothing wrong with being agender anyway,” Maggie said quickly, almost in a rush, “You are valid and awesome.”

 

“Thanks,” I whispered, “You’re… a very very good friend.”

 

“I try,” Maggie paused, reaching over for me and holding me tightly. The hug practically melted me; I could barely think straight until she had pulled back.

 

“Please don’t be afraid to talk to me about this, okay? I’m all ears,” Maggie paused, “I’ll listen as much as you need or don’t.”

 

“Thank you Maggie,” I breathed, “I’m… probably going to have to talk a lot about this.”

 

“I would expect nothing less,” Maggie reassured, “I promise. You’re going to be okay, and be yourself, and be okay.”

 

I cried, and held to her tightly in relief. I could never have imagined that this would be my first coming out experience – that I would feel so, completely, utterly accepted.

 

I would always wish that we would be together, that that could be our story.

 

But I knew now – I knew -

 

Sometimes, her just being my best mate was far, far, far enough.

**Author's Note:**

> So I am actually rereading Changes Everything right now to get my inspiration back (YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S WORKING REALLY WELL). After that, I'm going to write up a new plan/outline for the last book and a half. Then I can get to writing again. 
> 
> In my rereading, I've been going over some of my side stories that I write to get into character for non-Maggie people. I found this one and it actually is pretty good - I wrote it during my long hiatus. So I decided to post it. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy. I promise, I'm working on the story. I'm just reentering the world of it right now. I hope that this will help tide you over until I get back to writing :)


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